


It triggers itself in my thoughts

by elletromil



Category: Kingsman (Movies)
Genre: Angst, Established Relationship, Fix-It, Happy Ending, M/M, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-05
Updated: 2020-06-05
Packaged: 2021-03-04 05:28:18
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 2,664
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24558430
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/elletromil/pseuds/elletromil
Summary: His biggest failure is to not have properly secured Eggsy’s cab after his encounter with Charlie. To have put his own desire for a quiet night in above Kingsman’s security.There won’t be any more quiet nights for him now. His partner is dead and so is his daughter and he’s the one to be blamed for it.Merlin has lost everything with Poppy's attack on Kingsman.
Relationships: Harry Hart | Galahad & Merlin, Merlin & Gary "Eggsy" Unwin, Merlin/Percival (Kingsman)
Comments: 3
Kudos: 35





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * For [InsaneRedDragon](https://archiveofourown.org/users/InsaneRedDragon/gifts), [AgentDagonet](https://archiveofourown.org/users/AgentDagonet/gifts).



It shouldn’t hurt when Eggsy draws his gun on him, when Eggsy _doubts_ him, but it does. Unlike the lad though, he’s careful not to let his emotions show on his face. In his voice.

He’s lost much more than Eggsy could believe, but now is not the time to mourn.

It’s not even time for vengeance.

What they need is to regroup and think, but with HQ gone and no way to know if Charlie had any inside help, Merlin cannot even rely on the other branches. Cannot even be sure whether or not they’re still standing.

The only things he’s got is Eggsy and the Doomsday Protocol.

It’s the only reason he’s so harsh with the lad.

They’re the only ones left now and Merlin knows he cannot keep going alone.

*

He should have known that the protocol would be a sham. That those arrogant bastards who had founded Kingsman would never believe they could lose so horridly.

At least he still has Eggsy at his side, the lad more comfort than the alcohol burning down his throat. He should stay strong for him, knows Eggsy relies on him for answers, but Merlin is done. He’s given up. He’s lost so much already, starting with Lee, then James and Harry. All friends he’s failed somehow.

But his biggest failure is to not have properly secured Eggsy’s cab after his encounter with Charlie. To have put his own desire for a quiet night in above Kingsman’s security.

There won’t be any more quiet nights for him now. His partner is dead and so is his daughter and he’s the one to be blamed for it.

Maybe he should have left Eggsy put a bullet through his head after all.

Before the words can tumble out if his mouth however, Eggsy finds the real clue left for them by their founders and Merlin is reminded that even if they had been horrible bastards, they had had to live with a loss similar to his. It had been one of the reason Kingsman had seen the light of day.

Of course they wouldn’t have left them entirely helpless.

*

They have no other choices but to take a commercial flight to Kentucky, what with HQ being destroyed. By some stroke of luck however, there are two seats left on the earliest one.

Unfortunately, it’s still long enough after their discovery that Merlin is no longer drunk out of his mind and just completely hungover. Thankfully, even after about a year without doing so, he still got enough practice of coming into work after a night of drinking with Harry that he doesn’t let it affect him too much. Though he must admit that the baby crying during take-off really tests his limits.

“I’m sorry,” Eggsy’s apology seems to come out of nowhere and Merlin just looks at him in confusion for a moment, before he realise it must have been about not trusting him at first. And the memory still stings, but now that they’re not both so raw from their loss, he gets where Eggsy was coming from too.

“Don’t be, it’s okay. It was suspicious that I would survive while everyone else-” he blames his migraine and how the baby two rows down start wailing again as to why his voice breaks before he can finish. This isn’t the time for emotions yet after all.

He expected Eggsy to let go after being absolved of his perceived wrongs, but his expression becomes even more determined for some reason.

“It’s not okay. I was so focused on myself, that I was acting like I’m the only who lost people that I love.”

If it had been anyone but Eggsy, he would probably have shoved his hand away, but instead he lets him press a comforting hand on his knee. It’s not pity, it’s shared pain and that… That Merlin can accept.

“How did you know?” Because he might be hungover, but Merlin can still read between the lines. Understands that this is Eggsy telling him that somehow he knows about what Merlin truly lost. _Who_ he lost.

“When we toasted Percival, you… you said Richard.” It’s a simple enough slip, one most everyone wouldn’t have noticed, but Eggsy is a spy and a bloody good one at that. Of course he would have figured out from a single name that Richard and him had been partner for years. “No wonders Roxy always acts like she knows something I don’t- I- Fuck, sorry, I’m just making a mess of everything…”

There’s a look of horrified shame on Eggsy’s face as realisation dawns on him, that if Richard is- _was_ Roxy’s adoptive father and Merlin’s partner, then it means Merlin is – _was_ , they really need to get used to past time – then it means that Merlin was also Roxy’s dad.

Eggsy makes a broken sound in the back of his throat, but keeps himself under control, which is just as good or it would have probably started Merlin too.

Breaking down in private with only Eggsy as his witness was one thing.

Breaking down on a plane full of strangers is something entirely different.

And if Merlin gripped Eggsy’s hand just this side of too tight for the rest of their flight, well, it’s not like there is anyone left to tell.


	2. Chapter 2

It takes nearly a full month before they get back to London.

Merlin would have preferred to leave Kentucky as soon as they averted Poppygeddon, but even if Ginger had made quick work of his first pair of prosthetic legs, she had refused to let him go before he was given the all clear by the medical team.

And even with it, he knows she isn’t too happy with how much of a hurry they ended leaving.

If it wasn’t for the promise she has extracted from Harry and Eggsy to no let him out of their sight until she and Tequila can join them in London, Merlin’s pretty sure he’d still be stuck at Statesman infirmary.

It’s… frustrating, but he knows better than to get angry at her.

In fact, he’ll probably thank her for it in a year or two.

And he won’t ever admit it out loud, but he’s grateful for Harry and Eggsy’s presence when he steps in his house for the first time since Poppy targeted Kingsman.

After that first day, it had been easy to simply not think about everything that he had lost. Now that he’s back in his empty and unusually dusty home, there’s no denying the truth anymore.

His family is dead and he’s the one who failed to protect them.

He starts thinking that he shouldn’t have insisted of coming here instead of going to a hotel like Harry had wanted to. At least there, no ghosts would be standing at every corner to shame him.

Before he can have a panic attack however, Harry presses a warm hand against his lower back, grounding him into the present and reminding him that he’s not alone.

When he turns though, neither of his friends are looking at him, respecting his need to face his grief and guilt on his own. If he hadn’t already been on the verge of crying, that would have been enough to bring him to tears.

“You should take the first shower guv’, Harry can show me around.”

He nods in agreement even if Eggsy cannot see the gesture and then somehow he’s in the bathroom.

Just how exactly he came to stand there, naked back against the door as he stares blindly at the running shower he’ll never remember it. Why did he even turn it on and why he didn’t step in, he’ll never know either. Much like he’ll never know why exactly he didn’t lock the door.

What he remembers vividly however is the door being flung open, which in turn sends him sprawling onto the floor and a near frantic Eggsy bursting into the room.

“Merlin, Merlin! We need to go, _now_!”

Already he’s helping him off of the floor and tugging him out of the bathroom, not bothered by the fact that Merlin is as naked as the day he was born in the slightest. And usually, Merlin would protest, but his heart is already hammering away as his imagination runs wild with the possibilities of what could be currently happening.

Thankfully, they’re stopped in the middle of the corridor by a somewhat calmer Harry, though Merlin knows him well enough to see the giddiness he’s trying to conceal.

“Here, get dressed, Eggsy and I will procure a car.” Merlin takes the clothes Harry is offering him and before he can ask what the fuck is going on, he’s dragged into a bone-crushing hug. “They’re alive Merlin. Richard and Roxy- they- they’re _alive_.”

*

_Merlin, it’s me._

_I made it out alright. I’m not sure if the regular channels have been compromised or not._

_I’ll be heading to the manor._

~

_Merlin, it’s me again._

_I guess the regular channels can’t be compromised if they don’t exist anymore._

_I’ll try and see if anyone made it to the bunkers._

~

_Merlin, it’s me._

_Roxy-_

_Roxy is fine mostly, but she’s not waking up._

_We’re in the usual hospital. Guess I should have started with that._

_I’ll stay there if you need to reach me._

~

_Merlin, it’s still me._

_Roxy hasn’t woken up yet. The hospital sent me home and I went to James’ old safe house. So that’s now two places for you to check if you’re looking for me._

_I thought of going- of going_ home _but it’s farther from the hospital than this place is… And that way, I can still believe that if the answering machine is still working, the house is still standing too…_

_I noticed something strange on my way here, but maybe it’s just the exhaustion. There’s no such thing as a blue rash, right?_

_Anyway… You know where to find me._

~

_Merlin, it’s me._

_I guess there really is such a thing as a blue rash… And now I know you’re too busy stopping that maniac and that’s why you’re not calling me back._

_You’re probably in Germany with Amelia and all the other Knights that survived, working hard to save the world._

_I- I’d come if I could, you know that right?_

_But Roxy… Roxy’s still sleeping._

_I can’t leave her._

~

_Merlin, it’s me._

_Amelia came by today._

_Our quarters in Germany got compromised, but they’ve relocated somewhere new. Somewhere safe. She’s making the rounds now, to find any surviving Kingsman._

_She… She hasn’t heard from you._

_But she said someone followed Doomsday Protocol and so, she’s not worried. I didn’t even know it existed, so I guess I’ll trust her._

_They’re working on helping Poppy’s victims, but I don’t think it’s going well…_

_I’m sure that wherever you are, you’re faring better. You’ll raise so much hell darling, that monster won’t know what’s coming._

_Call me soon._

~

_Merlin, it’s me._

_It’s been a week since Poppy got stopped. We just aren’t sure by whom._

_You still haven’t contacted anyone._

_I’m… I’m worried darling._

_Amelia is going back to Germany soon. She’ll make the arrangements so that we can move Roxy closer to the new headquarters._

_She’s… She’s still sleeping._

_I’ll be leaving with Roxy when they’re ready for her._

_Call me back._

Please.

~

_Merlin, it’s me._

_Amelia called and we should be leaving next Friday for Germany._

_Maybe the change of scenery will be good for Roxy and she’ll wake up. Your daughter is one lazy girl, you know. She’s still sleeping and letting me and Amelia do all the work._

_I think-_

_I think it’s the last time I’ll call._

_I miss you darling._

_I love you._

_We’ll meet again in the next life, yeah?_


	3. Chapter 3

The drive to the hospital passes in a blur.

It’s possible that Harry and Eggsy attempt to speak to him, but if they do, he doesn’t hear them. It feels like he’s got his head underwater and it’s only once the poor receptionist tells him what room Roxy is in that he snaps back into himself.

It’s not enough to remind him of his manners and he probably looks quite deranged as he all but run to the staircases since there’s no way he’ll wait for the bloody elevators, but he can’t give less of a shite.

His daughter is _alive_. She is alive and she’s been hurting and Merlin wasn’t there for her.

He’s sure Harry will smooth any ruffled feathers for him and stop them from calling security on him.

And if not…

Well, he’d like to see them try and keep him away from Roxy.

When he gets there, the room is empty aside from her.

She looks like she’ll wake up at any moment, as if she’s simply sleeping peacefully.

Or she would, if it wasn’t for the fading bruises on her skin and the cast on her arm.

If Charlie and Poppy weren’t already dead, Merlin would kill them with his bare hands… Maybe even his teeth. But they are dead and his top priority is his daughter right now, not finding a way to bring them back to life just so he can hurt them like they hurt her.

He drops on the bed, careful not to jostle her and takes her hand between his. He should really read her chart, but he knows that the words would make no sense to him at the moment even if his vision wasn’t blurry from unshed tears.

He feels helpless, more so than the day he thought his whole family was dead because of him. More than during these terrible days before he got his prosthetic legs and could only think that they should have let him die.

He hears sounds behind him at the door, but that’s probably just Harry and Eggsy catching up to him. Or so he thinks until he hears a definitely femine gasp.

He turns around to see Richard and Amelia frozen in the doorway, both looking very much like they’re staring at a ghost.

Merlin stands up with the firm intention to drag Richard into his arms and never let go. But either because of the rollercoaster of emotions he’s been on today or because he’s still getting used to his new legs – or quite possibly because of both of those things – he trips on his own foot.

Richard’s reflexes swing him into action at the sight, but clearly the shock of seeing Merlin have rattled him because instead of righting him before he can fall, they both end up with their arses on the floor.

And normally, Merlin would have felt a deep embarrassment, especially with Amelia there to witness their struggle. But in all honesty, he’s already forgotten all about her because _Richard_ is in his arms again. The world could end this very moment and he wouldn’t even notice.

“You’re- you’re supposed to be dead!” It would sound like an accusation if not for the sheer relief in Richard’s voice. If not for the desperate cling of his fingers on his shoulders.

“Reports of his death are greatly exaggerated I’m afraid.” There’s another gasp from Amelia and then the unmistakable sound of Eggsy punching Harry’s arm.

Merlin doesn’t pay them any attention.

“I thought I had lost you too,” he says simply and when Richard crushes him into the tightest of embrace, he doesn’t try to stop the tears.

He’s not sure how long they stay like this on the floor, holding each other like a lifeline. Only that it’s long enough for the three others to have left in order to give them some privacy.

And they would have probably stayed there far longer if not for the raspy voice suddenly cutting through the silence of the hospital room.

“Dads? What are you doing on the floor?”

It’s a long before Merlin stops crying after that.

And he doesn’t fucking care.


End file.
